Not Jacen
by sumduxvoldemort
Summary: Series of one shots of various musing about the life and death of Jacen Solo. Written from the perspective of those who loved him dearest. WIP
1. Jaina Solo

Disclaimer: It's not mine. But I sure wish it were. Maybe then I could have saved him.

solitudinem faciunt, pacem appellant (_they make a wasteland, and call it peace_) - Tacitus

Yesterday was my birthday. I'm 33 years old, Galactic Standard Dating. Mom and Dad threw me a party. Most of my friends were there: Zekk, the Rogues, my fellow Jedi, Jag, Luke, Ben. It was good to see them again, alive and whole. But I wasn't whole. Because for the first time since my conception, I was missing someone. My other half. Jacen.

I killed him.

I can rationalize the events surrounding his death all I want. Usually, I can convince myself that Jacen died a long time ago. Maybe during the Killik Crisis, probably during the Vong War. But when the sun goes down and I try to fall asleep, the only fact that remains is that I killed him.

It's not the Dark Side. I've battle that on Hapes a long time ago and I won. It's not seduction or rage or hatred. I just feel empty. Like I've lost a limb and every time I reach out to use it, it's not there. I tried to explain it to Uncle Luke and he called it phantom pains. He believes that my brain will eventually recognize that the twin bond is gone and compensate. But that's the problem. I don't want it gone. I just want my brother back. I just want Jacen.

I can feel someone joining me on the balcony. It's Jag. He doesn't say anything. He just puts his arm around my shoulder. I lean against him for support. He doesn't have the Force, doesn't have a twin bond, but somehow he knows. Maybe because he's lost a brother too.

_I love you_, he murmurs to me. _I know_, I reply.

Maybe he's not Jacen. But he'll do.


	2. Allana Solo

Disclaimer: Not mine. But if it were ...

A/N: Please, please, review. I haven't written much fanfic before and all comment are greatly appreciated.

Allana Solo

I'm graduating from the Jedi Academy tomorrow. And I'm terrified.

Although no one speaks about him, especially when I'm around, I can hear their mutterings. _That's Caedus' daughter, she's the daughter of a Sith_. What if I grow up to be like him? What if I follow the path of my father?

I've discussed my fears with Grand Master Skywalker. He tells me that I, and only I can determine my own destiny. I try to believe him, I want to believe him, but even so, there's a constant nagging in the back of my rational mind. Not the fear of my father but a contradiction within Jedi philosophy itself.

If we are self-determining sentient beings, then why do the Jedi keep talking about the Will of the Force? Is there an underlying pre-destined path that each of us must take? If so, how can we be agents of our own destiny?

Am I destined to become my father?

Mom arrived today at the Academy for the ceremony tomorrow. I've talked to her about my fears before. Although she offered me the same advice Master Skywalker did, I still worry. I know that I'll probably replace her on the throne of Hapes one day. Then, I won't just have the powers of the Jedi, but also the responsibility of an entire Consortium. Millions of people will depend on me to rule wisely. What if I fail? What if I succumb to the seduction of the Dark Side?

_Allana?_ Mom's voice gently drew me from my musing.

_Mom?_

_I'm proud of you_, she says softly as she strokes my golden-red hair.

I turned to her, a slight crack in my voice as I ask her the question burning in my mind. _Will you be? If I ever become like Jacen?_ I won't call him dad or father. He was never a father to me.

_Always. _But then she frowned, taking a moment to best decide on an appropriate answer. _Do you still hate him?_

I turned away, unable to meet her gaze. _He's not my father_.

She pauses, then withdraws from the room, returning a moment later with a holobook in her hands._ I was going to give you this after the ceremony_, _but perhaps you need it now_. _I want you to pay careful attention to what I'm about to tell you. The man who kidnapped you, who tried to kill your grandma and grandpa, that was not Jacen. That was a Sith Lord called Darth Caedus. He had taken over Jacen's soul, and was consuming his spirit. Your father, Jacen, loved you. He loved you dearly, but Caedus had corrupted that love, even to this day. When you hate your father, then Caedus wins._

She handed over the holobook.

_These are the best memories I have with your father, with Jacen. I want you to have them too._

On the first screen was a holo of a young Jacen Solo, his arm slung over the shoulders of an equally young Tenel Ka, the famous Solo-grin plastered on his face.

Beneath it was text that read: "_What does an Imperial Star Destroyer wear to a formal occasion?_" "_A bow TIE!"_

Allana flipped to the next screen and saw more holos of her father and mother, sometimes accompanied by Jaina, Zekk, and Lowbacca.

And puns, horrible, horrible puns that made her crack a small smile.

Her mom cautiously looked at her as she reached the end of the holobook. _This is the man I want you to remember. Not Caedus, although he may have taken your father's form. But Jacen._

_Jacen_. I repeated. _Not Caedus, but Jacen._


End file.
